In early March, I turned 46 (or, as I joked with David when he turned 46, the age when you no longer have an excuse not to round up to 50). As I reflect on the adventures of the past year, I’ve decided to share my thoughts on what birthdays mean to me, as well as some tips for making them meaningful for you and your family.
I used to hate birthdays. To this day, I’m not entirely sure why. I guess I always felt like a birthday should be something more than what it was. My parents were never that into celebrating birthdays; I remember many years when I would just bake a cake with my mom and otherwise have an ordinary day.
One of my most memorable birthdays was one when my mom wasn't there. She had been traveling for work, so my dad took us out to go practice shooting BB guns. I baked my own cake, which my sister helped me decorate. I was around nine or ten. For some reason, that day stood out to me because we did something really different that we otherwise wouldn't have done.
Normally, because we weren’t that into presents, my birthday was a day I would spend wishing something would happen that never did. Then my dad passed away about ten years ago, just after my birthday. That was when I realized that birthdays are never a given. Each trip around the sun is something precious and important. None of us is ever guaranteed another birthday, which is why each of them should be remembered. Birthdays are a recognition of life, a reminder of all that we have learned and experienced, and that’s something worth celebrating.
Here are a few ways our family makes our birthdays special:
Focus on experiences: We don’t really buy gifts in our family. Instead, each year, David and the kids create something for me, such as a Procreate drawing that they turned into a wall poster. During non-Covid years, we let the kids pick whether to have a party with friends or a short weekend vacation. This year, we wanted to do something simple, so I bought several Escape Games to play together, and we watched Turning Red as a family. (Great movie about coming of age as an Asian Canadian, by the way.)
Tell the story of the day: On each of the kids' birthdays, we recount the story of what happened on the day of their birth. We discuss the excitement and joy we felt when we found out they were coming, and how we felt when they came into the world. This year, we asked my mom to share the story of my birth with the kids now that they are older and can understand more about how things were different back then. They marveled at how my Dad's brother, Uncle Peter, drove my mom to the hospital for the scheduled C-section, since my Dad had to work, and how Dad came much later to meet me after his shift.
Gift with purpose: I realized a while ago that I was pretty bad at gift giving, so instead of giving my nieces and nephews physical gifts, we created a college fund for them. For each birthday, we send them a statement of how much we've saved so far. For my sister and her husband, as well as our kids, our family does one major trip a year. We've been to Taiwan, Japan, Arizona, Utah, and Seattle, among other places. These annual trips are a chance for us to rent a big house and enjoy each other’s company while making memories that will last a lifetime.
Have special traditions: Traditions make birthdays memorable and are something to look forward to every year. For example, since we are not big cake people, we've gotten donuts for the kids’ birthdays ever since they were young. That way everyone gets their favorite flavor, and no one is disappointed with the cake that’s chosen. (And toasted donuts the day after are incredibly delicious.)
Make it an adventure: This year, for my daughter's 10th birthday, her brother, sister, and father were slated to go on a trip together for church. She was so sad when the plans fell through that she moped around for weeks. To make up for the disappointment, we decided to create the “Danielle Birthday Extravaganza.” We spent weeks planning it. We gave her a budget, and she got to plan a whole weekend to do whatever she wanted. We went to the store to pick something small for her to remember the weekend by, took her out to brunch at her favorite place, Bill’s Cafe, got bubble tea from Boba Guys, and went to Trader Joe's to pick up a dessert to share with her siblings. We spent the whole weekend doing things together and made a ton of fun memories along the way.
Use it as a time to reflect: Last week I wrote about marking time, and why it’s such an important practice for measuring your growth and looking ahead. Birthdays are a chance to take a look back at the past year, take stock of what you accomplished, and reflect on what you wish you had done differently. They are also a perfect time to schedule a physical, monitor your health and vitals, start a new habit, or clean out the clutter that you don't need anymore.
My memories of my childhood birthdays are pretty hazy. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how important it is to celebrate each birthday with joy and reflection. I hope that as the kids grow up, they are getting a chance to make and document new memories together (and I hope you are, too!).
Thanks for sharing, Deb. This is a great reflection. My family does not really celebrate birthdays as well. As I recalled, birthdays in the old days when we were living in an era of insufficiency back in 80s in China were days that we could have big meals and get nice dresses. But now, we could afford to get meals or dresses on a more frequently basis if needed. To me, no matter whether they are birthdays or other events, it is about doing things together that could become special memories to my family. Pre-pandemic, I took my parents to warmer places for road trips to escape the cold winter in New England every year during Christmas break. It did not sound like a big thing, but my family started to share the memories about those traveling days when we could not go anywhere in the last two years due to pandemic. Cherish what we have and celebrate moments as we still can!
I too am not a big birthday person, but appreciate this take. My birthday is this week and I'll definitely ask my parents for my birth story. Happy belated birthday and thank you Deb!