How to Get Feedback
Because the truth matters at any career level
When I was an IC, my friend and mentor Brian Boland once told me, “Once you reach a certain level, people will stop telling you the truth.” At the time, I didn’t really understand what he meant. I was still early in my career, and people gave me plenty of feedback. But years later, after a few promotions, his words came back to me.
As you become more senior, fewer people will tell you the truth. Some worry about how you’ll take it. Others don’t know how to give feedback because they’ve never done your job. And some are afraid that being too honest could have consequences.
Power distance plays a big part. If you act like someone who shouldn’t be questioned, no one will risk being honest with you.
When you’re junior, your manager probably did your job before. They can give you direct, tactical feedback. But when you start managing managers or leading functions, the people around you haven’t walked in your shoes. Your job shifts from the craft to the culture.
I remember my husband telling me once how frustrated he was that he rarely received feedback. He had been General Counsel at several startups, reporting directly to CEOs and founders. He got praise and partnership, but very little feedback.
As a CEO, I understood why. I couldn’t teach my General Counsel, Greg Packer, to be a better lawyer, but I saw my job to help him grow as a leader. He was already at the top of his craft, but he still saw himself as “the lawyer in the room.” I reminded him that he was not just a lawyer. He was an equal leader beside the other C-suite executives.
Once he embraced that, everything changed. He started weighing in on business strategy and culture, not just legal matters. It was incredible to watch him step into that larger role.
Changing the Permission Structure
Years ago, I worked in an organization where the senior leader asked for feedback but didn’t really want it. I remember her coming off stage from a big event. She asked how it went, and someone gave her a constructive comment. She looked mortified and upset. That person never gave her feedback again. In fact, they made it known to the rest of us that no one should risk sharing feedback.
It was a powerful lesson for me.
I realized that if I wanted people to tell me the truth, I had to make it safe. So I started asking, “What’s one thing I could have done differently?” after every talk or interview. That question changed everything. It turned feedback into something that felt like a gift, not a risk.
At Ancestry, I started “magic wand dinners.” Everyone at the table would share one thing they’d change if they had a magic wand. It could be about the company, the culture, or the product. The dinners became a place for honest conversation. We fixed bugs, connected teams, and surfaced ideas that eventually turned into successful products, like Pro Tools.
Changing the permission structure creates space for people to speak truthfully. It’s one of the most powerful things you can do as a leader.
Feedback Is a Gift
A friend once told me about a time she gave her manager feedback and it backfired. The manager had asked for it, but couldn’t take it. Their relationship went from warm to cold, and eventually, she left the company because her feedback ruined their relationship.
It was a painful lesson. Asking for feedback and being ready to hear it are two very different things.
If you want real feedback, ask specific questions. Try:
“What’s one thing I could do differently to be more effective?”
“What is something I could change that would make your job easier?”
“What would you like to see more of?”
That makes feedback feel like collaboration instead of criticism. When you get feedback, show you heard it. Let people see you put it into action.
I once received feedback that I was difficult to work with. It was hard to hear. I was so focused on getting things done that I didn’t see how I came across. Afterward, I started telling people, “If I come off as difficult, please tell me.” It wasn’t easy to say, but that vulnerability changed everything. People started opening up, and I started seeing my blind spots more clearly.
Feedback only helps if you are willing to use it to grow.
Giving Feedback in Context
When you’re the one offering feedback, remember that it only works when trust exists. Without trust, honesty sounds like judgment. With trust, it sounds like care.
Feedback is not about proving a point. It’s about helping someone be more effective. It’s a mirror, not a weapon.
Feedback is one of the greatest gifts in our careers. But it only works if we make it safe to give and possible to hear. So change the permission structure. Ask clearly. Listen carefully. And show that you are willing to grow.
I often think back to what Brian told me years ago. He was right. At some point, people do stop telling you the truth. But that just means it’s your job to go and find it.
The higher you rise, the more you need to seek out the voices that make you better.
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Every single post I’ve read from you has had an impact on me: it either sparked an interesting conversation with a colleague or it prompted me to reflect on my own experience and how I can use your insights to grow.
Just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and be sure that someone, somewhere halfway across the globe, is benefitting from and grateful for your knowledge sharing. ❤️
Excellent ideas about getting feedback, Deb. Thanks.