Lessons From a Tiger Cub

The 5 Things My Mother Has Taught Me About Relationships

Last year, when the family went to Taiwan, I took over the column from mom to write about the ten most important things I’ve learned from her. This past week, we returned from a trip to the Netherlands and Belgium, and it felt like the right time to write again.

For those who don’t know me, I’m Bethany. I just graduated from high school and am heading to Duke University in a few weeks. My mom and I write a monthly column together called “Tiger Mom and Her Cub” on AsAmNews, where we discuss divisive topics from two generations’ perspectives.

Though we’re close now, our relationship wasn’t always this easy. For a long time, I struggled to talk to her. Every conversation felt like more pressure to do more things to set myself up for success. It didn’t help that we got a dog during Covid, and I was assigned the evening walk with her every night. It got to the point where I didn’t just dread our walks. I resented her as a person, and I did whatever I could to get out of going.

In hindsight, I understand that she was only trying to make sure I’d have a good future. She wanted me to build grit and find my own purpose, to discover things I could be passionate about, both in high school and beyond. But most of the things I tried, I didn’t enjoy. I was so stuck in my own dislike of what she asked me to do that I couldn’t see past it.

My mom could see the bigger picture. When I entered high school, she asked me how much pressure I wanted her to put on me, on a scale of 1 to 10. I was too occupied with myself to see it for what it was: an olive branch. She was giving me a chance to tell her to lay off, and I didn’t take it. I obsessed over the number I gave her and what it meant for my life, indifferent to what it was doing to us.

When we started writing the column together, I was finally able to see past my own teenage self-absorption. The premise forced us to sit down and understand each other’s perspectives. It wasn’t fast. But as we explained our sides on issue after issue, something started to build. For the first time, it felt less like my freedom was being stifled and more like we were working toward something together. I got to see where she was coming from, to recognize her pressure as an attempt to give me a good life. And I was finally able to tell her exactly how I felt.

I’ve learned a lot about relationships from her over the past 17 years, especially as the column has changed our own. Next month, I’m heading to Duke University, a new adventure for me. It will be the first time I’ve lived outside of California, and the first time I’ve lived away from my parents. I’ll have to make new friends and build a new community in a place I’ve never called home. There’s no better time than now to write down the most important things my mom has taught me about relationships.

1. Meet People Where They Are

This goes hand in hand with understanding where someone is coming from. Once you get their perspective, you have to use it to build a connection with them where they are, not where you wish they were. During that period of my life, I was buried in my own anxiety and the pressure I believed my parents had put on me. I understood what mom was trying to achieve, but I didn’t need a mom who existed to make me do things. I needed a mom who was willing to listen to me.

I told her she needed to lower the pressure, to take it from a nine to a six. To her credit, she took the change and ran with it. She met me where I was, listening to my rants and learning my goals. She still pushed me toward new opportunities and growth, but now it came from a mom who understood her daughter didn’t want to drown in pressure.

2. Give People Room to Be Themselves

Where every walk used to be about something I needed to do, our walks five years later are more natural. The conversation goes where it wants to, and we both talk about whatever we’re actually interested in. There’s no pressure to perform as the perfectly productive daughter. All our walks require now is for both of us to show up and be real.

Sometimes mom listens to me rant about my friendships or school. Sometimes I listen to her talk about my siblings. Sometimes I tell her about something new I want to try. No matter what, we give each other space to be our authentic selves without judgment.

3. Help Without Keeping Score

One thing I’ve watched mom embody over and over is helping people without expecting anything back. I’ve seen her give away hundreds of things through Buy Nothing groups on Facebook, connect people she barely knows, and consistently show up when people need her. When I asked her why, she told me, “If you can help, you should.” At first I assumed it was because someone might help her back one day. But she doesn’t do it for that reason at all. She helps out of abundance. She feels blessed and wants to pass that along.

I’ve watched her give her time and energy even when there was so much else going on, and for a long time I didn’t understand it. Now I see how much it means to the people she helps, and to her.

4. Be Curious, Not Critical

Importantly, we don’t just talk. We listen. Active listening is at the center of how mom builds relationships. You treat people as if what they’re saying matters to you, because it should.

You have to show people their value. When they’re talking, stay engaged. The only time we touch our phones on our walks is to buy something or look something up. Otherwise, we keep our focus on each other, modeling the kind of listening we want in return.

Asking questions is part of it too. Even if I’m talking about picking up embroidery or some other small hobby, mom asks questions. She always says to be “curious, not critical,” and now I understand what that means. That one habit has changed the quality of our conversations, and our relationship along with it. Now I look forward to our walks, a long way from where we started.

5. Be Honest, Even When It Costs You

It matters a lot to mom that she doesn’t lie. The only exception is April Fool’s Day, when she’s played some epic tricks on us, but that’s a special case. Whenever I ask her something, she either answers me honestly or not at all. Lying to me isn’t on the table.

That’s made it easy to trust her, even when I’m not independently inclined to believe something at first. I know she values openness and isn’t hiding things from me. Once I understood that, it became much easier to take her judgment and advice for what it is: her attempt to give me the best life possible.

Mom brings the same honesty to everything else. She refused to tell my school I was sick when I had my driver’s test scheduled. She doesn’t tell my dad things I say to her in confidence if he asks, though she does encourage me to tell him myself. She was honest with us when my grandparents passed away, and when she was diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes her honesty works against me, but it’s also why people know they can trust her.

---

I see the results of her work all the time. People drop off flowers, food, and gifts to thank her for her help. We run into strangers who thank her in the Costco parking lot. She gets notes appreciating something she did, and I’m not sure she even remembers what she did for them.

My mom builds community one connection, one walk at a time. Our own relationship is proof: I once did everything I could to get out of walking with her, and now those walks are the thing I’ll miss most about home.

In a few weeks, I’ll be three thousand miles away, starting over in a state I’ve never lived in, with no history to fall back on. I won’t have five years of walks to build trust the way we did. What I’ll have is what she taught me on those walks: meet people where they are, let the conversation go where it wants to, help without keeping score, stay curious instead of critical, and tell the truth even when it costs you something.

I don’t know yet who my people at Duke will be. But for the first time, I know how to find them. That’s the part of her I’m taking with me.