Networking, Reframed

How to connect with others and build community

Photo by Shaun Darwood on Unsplash

For a long time, I treated networking like a necessary evil. It felt like going to the dentist. This was something you knew you should do, dreaded every moment of, and avoided whenever possible. The word itself carried baggage. It felt transactional. As an introvert, the expectation of small talk and the ritual of swapping business cards overwhelmed me. I did it because I had to, not because I wanted to.

But one day, I changed how I saw it. I realized that the way I thought about networking shaped how I approached it.

If you think of networking as something you hate but have to do, it will always feel like a chore. But if you start to see it as a chance to build real connections, everything shifts. Not the kind of connection where you add someone on LinkedIn and forget their name a week later, but the kind where you truly meet someone, hear their story, and remember them.

What if we stopped thinking of networking as a means to an end? What if we saw it as building community?

Early in my career, I avoided work events. I figured my work should speak for itself. I had meetings all day; why add more social time on top of that? I ate lunch at my desk. I skipped happy hours and avoided what I saw as the performative parts of the job because I thought they were optional. What I didn’t realize was that I was also opting out of opportunities to connect.

Now, I approach things differently. I walk into rooms thinking about how I can be of service, not what I can get. I ask better questions. I follow up. I try to help with no expectation of return.

Here are four real-life examples of how connection—not just networking—can matter.

1. Build peacetime relationships before you need wartime ones

My former manager, Boz, used to say that you should build bridges in peacetime. These are the relationships you invest in when you don’t need anything. You spend time together, help each other, and build trust.

Wartime relationships are the ones you call on when you need support, influence, or resources.

Some people only reach out when they need something. I try to help when I can, but it often feels transactional. Contrast that with a friend I referred to three contacts, each of whom offered him a job. We first met when I was looking for a caregiver for my mom, and he and his wife introduced me to someone who helped ease my mom’s final days in hospice. During that season of loss and even to this day, they drop off their homemade butter chicken, a dish my kids still fight over. We built a warm connection over something simple, but meaningful.

That bond was built on something simple, but meaningful.

Networking isn’t a single event. It’s not meeting once at a conference and becoming close. It’s built over time, through small acts of generosity and trust. It’s a two-way street.

Don’t wait until you need help to offer it.

2. Create connection to break into the workforce

At a recruiting event for a well-known tech company, attendance was surprisingly low. When students were asked why they didn’t attend, many said they preferred to just submit their resumes online.

But that company received thousands of applications for each role. One junior position had over 2,000 applicants. The woman we hired later joked it might have been easier to get into Harvard.

At each of my jobs, I saw how much connection mattered. We were drawn to people who showed up, asked thoughtful questions about our product, and engaged with genuine curiosity. A resume alone rarely tells that story.

Colleges often look for demonstrated interest like visiting campus, attending events, or mentioning specific programs. The same is true for job seekers. Showing, rather than telling, can make all the difference.

3. Tap into hidden roles

Ever seen a vague job posting for a “Product Manager” or “Marketing Specialist”? Often, those listings hide real jobs that aren’t fully visible from the outside.

Sometimes the role is confidential. Other times, it’s opportunistic. Especially in startups, hiring can be flexible. If someone impressive is referred, even if they’re not a perfect fit, they might get a closer look.

Many jobs are filled before they’re posted. That’s why letting others know you’re looking, and having someone who can connect you, is so important.

For years at a prior company, we kept a list of people we hoped to work with someday. Some stayed on that list for years until the right role came along. These wishlists often include former employees, near-hires, or great references. Getting on these lists ensure you are on the radar for future opportunities.

4. Prepare for backchannel references

In tight-knit industries, backchannel references are common.

When I interviewed at Facebook, I asked the recruiter not to contact my current employer. I wasn’t sure if I would get the job and didn’t want to jeopardize what I had. Hours after my final interview, my skip-level manager (my longtime mentor, Stephanie Tilenius) reached out to meet the next morning. Someone had clearly called her. Luckily, she gave me a glowing recommendation.

More recently, a friend asked about someone applying for a senior product role. Two days later, that candidate reached out to ask about working with that same hiring manager. The world is smaller than we think.

What are people saying about you when you’re not in the room? What is your reputation? Are you known as a giver or a taker?

The more people who know and trust you, the more advocates you’ll have when it matters.

---

Real connection is rarely convenient. It takes time. It takes showing up. But again and again, it’s what turns acquaintances into collaborators and colleagues into friends.

So the next time you’re tempted to opt out, ask yourself:
What would change if I stopped networking and started connecting?