My Journey with Insomnia

Learning to manage your mind when it refuses to rest

There is this feeling I get before bedtime. I know it is coming like a train right on schedule. It is like an unwelcome friend who whispers in my ear reminders of things I don't want to think about, and I am not able to clamp my hands over my ears. Would tonight be one of blessed relief or one of tortured wrestling of my mind in the dark?

The Start

Research shows insomnia affects 60M people per year in America. Its shadow hangs over 60M beds waiting for its victim, and I never understood it until living with it the past nine years.

I have always loved to sleep, even as a child. I could sleep anywhere; my father used to remind me that there were times when I fell asleep standing up. When I met my husband I joked that sleep was my hobby, and a few times, I slept so deeply my friends and family could not reach me and panicked that I was in mortal danger. I brought my favorite pillows from childhood to college, and the week before I left home, my mom bought me the comforter I have now used for the past 20 years. The bed was my friend, and I relished it.

Then my father got sick. He was stricken with stage 4 lung cancer, even though he never smoked. At the same time, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. I remember feeling the torment late at night as I imagined cancer spreading through his body as a new life was growing in mine. My dad's short fight ended and he passed away when my daughter Danielle was five months old. The late-night nursing of a colicky baby who had to be bottle-fed and could not tell night from day, two young children who were adapting to a new sibling, and seeing the horrors of late-stage cancer up close was nearly too much for me.

I remember the nights of lying awake wondering whether I would sleep normally again. The bed, once a place of comfort and ease, became my enemy. The absolute fear of lying down and not knowing whether sleep would come that night was almost too much to bear. I started to push back the time I lay down until I was so tired that I hoped my body would shut down.

Fighting to a Draw

My mind turned against me. The thoughts of dread would slice through my head as I was falling into a slumber that would cause me to awaken with a gasp. It was almost as if the shadow that once hung over my bed was now inside of my head, forcing me awake from the inside out.

Insomnia was invisible and it was slowly shredding my ability to function day after day. I went through times where I felt like a zombie, unable to fully function, but also unable to sleep. At one point, my kids would draw pictures of “sleepy mommy” because I was frequently exhausted and irritable.

Slowly I got it back under control through behavior modification techniques. I was exhausted by the lack of sleep and frustrated at the lack of control. I tested and iterated on different strategies, only to fall back into old behavior patterns that kept their claws in me. Each time I failed to stick to habits the disappointment led to frustration. I lay awake at night wondering if I was being punished for not sticking to the program and keeping myself on track. I felt like Sisyphus pushing the rock uphill night after night only to see it roll back down when I made a wrong move. It took a few years of trial and error, but I have mostly figured out how to manage insomnia, though it still haunts me from time to time.

Step by step, I changed my habits to get back on track. Here are some of the techniques I employed.

• Try to sleep and wake at the same time every day. A sporadic sleep schedule caused me to be tired all the time, but keeping to a set schedule helps your body to fall asleep when it is time for bed.

• Don't nap more than 30 minutes no matter how tempting it is. I still struggle with this one especially during the pandemic.

• Reduce light. I noticed when I slept in hotels, I slept more deeply because of the blackout curtains. We added better blinds and covered up distracting blinking lights.

• Reduce distractions in the bedroom. Don't have a TV in the bedroom, don't watch videos in bed, and if you read on a tablet turn on night mode.

• Work out to reduce stress. I work out every day at the same time each evening, but not too close to bedtime. A good workout can help deepen sleep.

• Take melatonin, but in low doses and at the same time each day.

After all of these changes, I eased into a largely reasonable schedule. There are still two or three nights a month where the old demons haunt me, but if I'm able to quiet my mind long enough, I can let sleep overcome me until morning.

The Long Shadow

The thing I realized about insomnia is even though it doesn't happen that often anymore, the fear of it remains. That sense that I'm always one night away from that time in my life where sleep eluded me for days, then months, and then years. The hovering presence never quite leaves me, but now I can push it back to the fringes of my mind as I seek to rest.