The Simple Secret to Influence

Being impressive and making an impression are two different things

Artwork by my youngest daughter, Danielle.

In the book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg, I came across a story about Winston Churchill’s mother, Lady Randolph Churchill. She once dined with two of England’s most famous men: William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli, both Prime Ministers. After meeting Gladstone, she said, “I thought he was the cleverest man in England.” After meeting Disraeli, she said, “I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.”

That line has stayed with me ever since.

One man made her admire him. The other made her believe in herself. That small but powerful difference is the essence of what it means to connect with people.

The Two Kinds of Leaders

There are two kinds of leaders you will encounter. The first walks into a room and fills it with their intellect and insight. You leave impressed, but with less space for others to shine. The second kind draws you in. You leave those conversations inspired and full of ideas. You feel seen, heard, and capable.

The first kind dominates the spotlight. The second turns the light back on you.

When I think about the best mentors I’ve had, they didn’t give advice or tell me what to do. Instead, they asked me insightful questions and led me to think through what I should do. They challenged my assumptions without condescension. They reflected what they heard from me and led me to come to the conclusion myself.

The Art of Making People Feel Smart

Making people feel smart isn’t about flattery or pretending to agree. It’s about generosity and curiosity. It is about validating and supporting. Making space for others to share their point of view and explore their ideas out loud. There is a world of difference between “Here’s what you should do” and “What do you think would happen if you tried this?”

Anyone can make people feel small. It takes real confidence to make others feel in control. Because when people leave a conversation with you feeling smarter, they trust you and respect you. And that trust lasts longer and is a stronger foundation than brilliance every time.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Over time, I’ve come to notice patterns in how people either invite or discourage others’ ideas. There are simple, consistent ways to make people feel heard and capable:

1. Give context, not confusion.
   Experts and leaders often forget how much background they already know. If you launch into a conversation without framing, others can feel lost before you even get to the point. Take the time to explain why something matters and how it connects. Context builds confidence.

2. Be plainspoken.
   We sometimes think that big words make us sound smart. But actually, they make others feel disconnected. The best communicators are simplifiers. Speaking plainly isn’t dumbing it down, but rather opening the conversation up to all.

3. Be curious, not critical.
   Questions can invite or attack. “Why would you do that?” or “What do you mean by that?” shuts the conversation down. “Tell me more” and “Help me understand” are invitations. Curiosity keeps people talking. Criticism stops them in their tracks.

4. Don’t assume.
   Assumptions are shortcuts that close doors. The best leaders listen longer than they speak. Hear the discussion out before jumping to conclusions.

5. Give credit where credit is due.
   Few things make people feel smaller than watching someone else take credit for their work. My manager, Doug Purdy, always said, “Credit is infinitely divisible.” He taught me that generosity and thoughtful recognition build trust, loyalty, and influence.

When Brilliance Gets in the Way

I once worked with someone I deeply respected but found hard to work with. He was brilliant, quick, and insightful, but unintentionally condescending. His comments were right, but somehow they alienated others because he made others feel small in the process.

People struggled to work with him. Even when he made great points, they didn’t land like he wanted. But then he changed. He started listening more and speaking less. He became curious instead of corrective. He began asking people what they thought before sharing his own ideas. Once he started hearing people out, they started hearing him out. His influence grew because he shifted from being the smartest person in the room to being the most empowering.

How to Build Confidence in Others

Building people up doesn’t mean lowering your standards or holding back your opinions. It means creating psychological safety so people can share their thoughts without fear of embarrassment. When people feel that safety, they share more ideas. They take more risks. They do their best work.

A few habits that help:

• Replace statements with questions. Instead of “That won’t work,” try “What problem are we trying to solve here?”

• Listen for what’s right, not what’s wrong. Every idea has a seed of insight. Nurture it and watch it grow.

• Reflect back what you heard. Show you’re paying attention and that you listened to the ideas. Give credit where it is due.

• Celebrate learning, not just outcomes. Progress builds confidence faster than perfection.

Your teammates are looking at you as a mirror. What do they see reflected back? If they see skepticism, they’ll grow cautious and defensive. If they see support, they will be bolder. The way you make others feel determines how much you get in those rooms.

Why This Matters

Great leaders aren’t necessarily the loudest voices in the room. They don’t have to prove they are the smartest or best. Confident leaders know they can make others look good without taking anything away from themselves. Insecure leaders, on the other hand, feel they have to prove something by correcting others or proving their worth.

The paradox of leadership is that you become more powerful when you make others feel powerful. When people walk away from you feeling bigger rather than smaller, you have built connection and influence.

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I still think back to Lady Churchill’s words. Gladstone left her impressed. Disraeli left her empowered. The difference between admiration and inspiration is how you make people feel about themselves.

As you lead, mentor, or interact with others today, ask yourself: Am I trying to make people think I’m smart, or am I helping them feel smart? The first wins in the short term, but the latter creates a lasting impact in the long term.