Thank you for shining a light on the ups and downs of modern working parenthood. As I raised a seed round while 8 months along, I found it interesting that fewer female investors were willing to stick their neck out, perhaps preferring to stick to safer investments and established - often male - founders. We successfully raised our target, with only one female investor and over eight males. How do we change the structural biases at play to enable women to accelerate change? Another point - motherhood will slow your career - the flip side is it may slow the pace, but elucidate what matters most sooner, speeding up your potential to impact in the long run. Appreciate your perspective and leadership. 😊
We are a family of both working parents with two young kids and demanding jobs, and every bit of this resonates. I very much appreciate the authenticity of this post. Thanks for sharing.
This is a very powerful article that has touched me. I am currently a mom going thru the postpartum and just returned to work with managing 2 kids who are 2 years apart. This is like giving me life advice on my current situation! Thank you for this article.
Thank you for writing this. It’s truly a career tax but I wouldn’t exchange anything in the world to be a mom. Raised in time when women are considered equal to men, I found it very hard to adjust to work post becoming a mom. While I admire women who don’t even take mat leave, but I don’t think hustle should be normalized like that
Beautifully written. Love the authenticity and how it accurately captures the struggles we face everyday! I'm in the same boat with two working parents and kids schedules. It's especially re-assuring to know moms in tech in leadership positions have also toyed with the idea of leaving altogether and then getting convinced to stick it out. How does one locate such mentors?
This is THE perspective I have been waiting for ! this here is liberating , affirming and validating in its pure raw honesty.
Enough of the "you can have it all", "you can do it all" , "lean in hard enough" , all beautiful lies that have young women wondering where they missed the plot when they become mothers and juggle careers and why can't they be like the well manicured mother of 5, high flying CEO whose kids are all well adjusted and works 100 hour weeks.
The math just does not add up and it's a disservice vehiculing this idea to young women as an ideal.
I attended a womens empowerment conference last week where the CEO who is a woman was asked by a young lady how she juggles family, motherhood and being a CEO of a thriving tech company and her response was " you just do , if you are serious about your job then you won't be watching the clock and ready to leave at 5pm" !
Basically in order to prove you are serious ,you leave your baby at the crèche while you work late hours ?
Apart from that it was a really good conference
I don't even want to talk about the splash of cold water feeling you experience when you realise that you can be all 50/50 you want with your partner , the world just doesn't view you the woman that way and that's a fact and women only learn that mostly AFTER they become mothers.
Enough already of all these insensitive , anxiety inducing , false and misrepresenting advice to young women #rantover
Thank you Debbie for being real, I would really really love to interview you
I have read and re-read this post multiple times since you published it because it really makes all the feelings I have had as a working mom feel validated, especially the parts about how the world is NOT set up for two working parents (despite the rising cost of living and the need for dual income households), and even though I know tons of support is needed, I have continually felt isolated from my peers in the fact that I rely on a lot of support systems to make it work. Thank you for writing this!
Love how you structured the paras and phrased the subtitles - I’ve skimmed through by reading your subtitles only, got your points and couldn’t agree more!
This article resonates. It also clarifies why an increasing number of couples have only one child, or none. Fewer children are good for the planet.
That change has other impacts for worker/retiree ratio, average age of citizens, etc. However, that discussion is probably not the focus of this thread.
Deb, thank you for sharing the article . There are also so many single moms who have to choose kids to be priority over their career, they certainly cannot afford an au pair. Should corporates offer backup-care help to employees for both emergency and non-emergency situations, so all women can prioritize their career while they are raising young children alone without husband or supports? Many thanks again
Deb, you are a gem. Thank you for talking about these tensions with so much realism and grace. I especially appreciate the point on how we need to be more open about our need for support in order to continue to operate at a high level professionally.
It also reminds me of Claudia Goldin's current working paper "Why Women Won" - one of the survey questions she tracks is the American population's perception of whether preschool kids will suffer if their mom works and it's fascinating to see how that tracks over time and how it's still a non-trivial percentage of the population that believes that today.
I really think the key is leaning INTO the polarities of what it means to be a woman at work. I've definitely been exploring that in my substack lately. Anyhow, just really appreciate your work. Thank you!
I loved reading this! I'm in Product at a tech startup, also a mom of a 5m old - related to a lot of your points here. Grateful just to have words to put to what I'm feeling.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! As a mother of three young kids who works part-time in education, this post prompted several reflections:
1) I think I was tricked into thinking two full-time working parents was doable for our family by full-day, year-round daycare. I didn’t realize how unmanageable it all was until my kids started going to preschool that got out at 2:30 with no aftercare (our options were limited by COVID). And then of course kid activities started.
2)One thing that makes full-time work x2 hard for our family is that my oldest, who just finished kindergarten, struggles with full-day care. He was fine in full-day daycare and early in preschool, but we think some sensory integration challenges started to make full-day care overwhelming for him when he stopped napping. He is now able to verbalize this and is very clear that he doesn’t want to be in after-care because the day is too long for him. I feel grateful that between my part-time schedule and the care we have for my youngest, he doesn’t have to do after-care. Some kids clearly thrive in after-care, but of course others do not.
3)I read a book recently that really cemented for me how recent it is that women joined the workforce. I think many of the challenges we experience are the result of us being only a few generations into two working parents being so common.
4)Motherhood is not the only thing that can slow down a career — and maybe we should start to think of careers having seasons just like life, so it doesn’t feel so monumental when our careers slow down for a period of time. Others things can slow down a career: fatherhood, of course (though we know the challenges they face are different); having to care for someone else in your family, like an ailing parent; burnout; a pandemic causing you to reassess your priorities; your own illness; and so on.
My frustration with those who do decide to work outside the home, is the lack of respect or willingness to pay for quality care for their kids. I stayed home with mine by choice and I have absolutely zero regrets-mine are grown and gone now. But what I see, and have always seen as a caregiver ( before having mine) to others’ kids, is the lowball amount folks want to pay others to take care of their children. So they bounce them around caregivers and daycares. It’s just as rough (or more so) on the children. Let me just say, even 30 years ago, as a day care teacher, I could walk into my school room and within minutes be able to tell you which children were there all day and which ones used it as a preschool. Those all day kids were much, much wilder and untaught. It’s the kids’ side that also needs to be realized. Work instead of staying home all you want, but let’s also raise the bar for the care they’re given. My two cents.
Thank you for shining a light on the ups and downs of modern working parenthood. As I raised a seed round while 8 months along, I found it interesting that fewer female investors were willing to stick their neck out, perhaps preferring to stick to safer investments and established - often male - founders. We successfully raised our target, with only one female investor and over eight males. How do we change the structural biases at play to enable women to accelerate change? Another point - motherhood will slow your career - the flip side is it may slow the pace, but elucidate what matters most sooner, speeding up your potential to impact in the long run. Appreciate your perspective and leadership. 😊
We are a family of both working parents with two young kids and demanding jobs, and every bit of this resonates. I very much appreciate the authenticity of this post. Thanks for sharing.
This is a very powerful article that has touched me. I am currently a mom going thru the postpartum and just returned to work with managing 2 kids who are 2 years apart. This is like giving me life advice on my current situation! Thank you for this article.
Thank you for writing this, Deb. I am a working mom and every point resonates.
Thank you for writing this. It’s truly a career tax but I wouldn’t exchange anything in the world to be a mom. Raised in time when women are considered equal to men, I found it very hard to adjust to work post becoming a mom. While I admire women who don’t even take mat leave, but I don’t think hustle should be normalized like that
Beautifully written. Love the authenticity and how it accurately captures the struggles we face everyday! I'm in the same boat with two working parents and kids schedules. It's especially re-assuring to know moms in tech in leadership positions have also toyed with the idea of leaving altogether and then getting convinced to stick it out. How does one locate such mentors?
This is THE perspective I have been waiting for ! this here is liberating , affirming and validating in its pure raw honesty.
Enough of the "you can have it all", "you can do it all" , "lean in hard enough" , all beautiful lies that have young women wondering where they missed the plot when they become mothers and juggle careers and why can't they be like the well manicured mother of 5, high flying CEO whose kids are all well adjusted and works 100 hour weeks.
The math just does not add up and it's a disservice vehiculing this idea to young women as an ideal.
I attended a womens empowerment conference last week where the CEO who is a woman was asked by a young lady how she juggles family, motherhood and being a CEO of a thriving tech company and her response was " you just do , if you are serious about your job then you won't be watching the clock and ready to leave at 5pm" !
Basically in order to prove you are serious ,you leave your baby at the crèche while you work late hours ?
Apart from that it was a really good conference
I don't even want to talk about the splash of cold water feeling you experience when you realise that you can be all 50/50 you want with your partner , the world just doesn't view you the woman that way and that's a fact and women only learn that mostly AFTER they become mothers.
Enough already of all these insensitive , anxiety inducing , false and misrepresenting advice to young women #rantover
Thank you Debbie for being real, I would really really love to interview you
I have read and re-read this post multiple times since you published it because it really makes all the feelings I have had as a working mom feel validated, especially the parts about how the world is NOT set up for two working parents (despite the rising cost of living and the need for dual income households), and even though I know tons of support is needed, I have continually felt isolated from my peers in the fact that I rely on a lot of support systems to make it work. Thank you for writing this!
Love how you structured the paras and phrased the subtitles - I’ve skimmed through by reading your subtitles only, got your points and couldn’t agree more!
This article resonates. It also clarifies why an increasing number of couples have only one child, or none. Fewer children are good for the planet.
That change has other impacts for worker/retiree ratio, average age of citizens, etc. However, that discussion is probably not the focus of this thread.
Deb, thank you for sharing the article . There are also so many single moms who have to choose kids to be priority over their career, they certainly cannot afford an au pair. Should corporates offer backup-care help to employees for both emergency and non-emergency situations, so all women can prioritize their career while they are raising young children alone without husband or supports? Many thanks again
Deb, you are a gem. Thank you for talking about these tensions with so much realism and grace. I especially appreciate the point on how we need to be more open about our need for support in order to continue to operate at a high level professionally.
It also reminds me of Claudia Goldin's current working paper "Why Women Won" - one of the survey questions she tracks is the American population's perception of whether preschool kids will suffer if their mom works and it's fascinating to see how that tracks over time and how it's still a non-trivial percentage of the population that believes that today.
I really think the key is leaning INTO the polarities of what it means to be a woman at work. I've definitely been exploring that in my substack lately. Anyhow, just really appreciate your work. Thank you!
I loved reading this! I'm in Product at a tech startup, also a mom of a 5m old - related to a lot of your points here. Grateful just to have words to put to what I'm feeling.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! As a mother of three young kids who works part-time in education, this post prompted several reflections:
1) I think I was tricked into thinking two full-time working parents was doable for our family by full-day, year-round daycare. I didn’t realize how unmanageable it all was until my kids started going to preschool that got out at 2:30 with no aftercare (our options were limited by COVID). And then of course kid activities started.
2)One thing that makes full-time work x2 hard for our family is that my oldest, who just finished kindergarten, struggles with full-day care. He was fine in full-day daycare and early in preschool, but we think some sensory integration challenges started to make full-day care overwhelming for him when he stopped napping. He is now able to verbalize this and is very clear that he doesn’t want to be in after-care because the day is too long for him. I feel grateful that between my part-time schedule and the care we have for my youngest, he doesn’t have to do after-care. Some kids clearly thrive in after-care, but of course others do not.
3)I read a book recently that really cemented for me how recent it is that women joined the workforce. I think many of the challenges we experience are the result of us being only a few generations into two working parents being so common.
4)Motherhood is not the only thing that can slow down a career — and maybe we should start to think of careers having seasons just like life, so it doesn’t feel so monumental when our careers slow down for a period of time. Others things can slow down a career: fatherhood, of course (though we know the challenges they face are different); having to care for someone else in your family, like an ailing parent; burnout; a pandemic causing you to reassess your priorities; your own illness; and so on.
My frustration with those who do decide to work outside the home, is the lack of respect or willingness to pay for quality care for their kids. I stayed home with mine by choice and I have absolutely zero regrets-mine are grown and gone now. But what I see, and have always seen as a caregiver ( before having mine) to others’ kids, is the lowball amount folks want to pay others to take care of their children. So they bounce them around caregivers and daycares. It’s just as rough (or more so) on the children. Let me just say, even 30 years ago, as a day care teacher, I could walk into my school room and within minutes be able to tell you which children were there all day and which ones used it as a preschool. Those all day kids were much, much wilder and untaught. It’s the kids’ side that also needs to be realized. Work instead of staying home all you want, but let’s also raise the bar for the care they’re given. My two cents.
No family support here in the west coast. Zero. Great fam in NJ, though. We are miserable with a two year old special needs son :(